May82012
I say something stupid and mess it all up… possibly forever. I feel sick right now. Im nervous and anxious and I feel lonely. I don’t want you to leave me. I need you. I love you. I hate this feeling. I feel like a complete idiot and I guess it makes sense if you leave me. I just never deserve to be happy. I guess im not built for relationships. Im meant to be alone forever… so much for true love, so much for having faith in a relationship, so much for going to the ends of the earth and back.
April282012
I hate that you’re always there but never want to see me. I hate that its the same old thing every day. We text a few times a day… you agree with what I say, I say I love you, you love me too… I say I miss you, you say “same.” If you really miss me why don’t you actually try and see me once in a while?! Why do I have to practically beg for you to come over or for you to call me or for anything a normal couple likes doing?! When I say I miss you, I mean it… im starting to doubt whether or not you actually do.
April252012
Tired of cuddling with my pillow and pretending its you. I want the real deal. Miss you.
April242012
1. Bringing RJ dinner at work
2. Sneaking a kiss with RJ while he was working
3. The awesome way the moon looked while I was driving home. (little yellow orange crescent sliver)
4. The way the soap in the bathroom smelled.
5. Napping pretty much all day.
The end.
April162012
My relationship feels bipolar. I don’t know if its the happiest I’ve ever been or the worst. Yesterday was amazing. Today was awful. One day I think we’re going to be together forever, the next day I think we might break up. I wish every day could be like yesterday. I wish we could be happy together and in love. I love him and I yesterday was amazing. I hate myself for the way I act sometimes. I wish I could just give him the space he deserves sometimes but its so hard to not act on impulse sometimes. I’ve been let down so many times before and I hate to feel like its happening all over again. I don’t want to be quick to judge or quick to make emotional decisions. I need to be more understanding and let him be himself without me too. It just hurts. I hate it. I love him. I need to take grandmas advice and look into myself. Am I really acting the way I want to act or am I being irrational? I am being irrational. Why would I attack the one person I love? Its pointless to cling if im afraid of losing him because that will only push him away. I need to find the middleground but I don’t know where to start sometimes. I know he is an amazing guy and I honestly wouldn’t mind being with him for a very long time. I see a lot in him I haven’t seen before and I honestly a little scared to lose that. I need to look into myself and create the changes that I need to within myself. Today I see that loud and clear. Step back. Look. Dream. Stop. Think. If he is really worth it, I can become a better person for him. I owe it to him and to myself if I want to be happy at all for the rest of my life.
April112012
I hate how everytime I hear something it instantly triggers this scene to pop into my head about what “happened” which is probably far from the truth. Then I yearn to know whether that was true or not so much that I blow the situation far out of proportion. He doesn’t deserve that. He’s a good guy. I think if the girl didn’t have the same name as her it wouldn’t have a been as big a deal but the situations practically were mirrors of one another. We’ve been apart for a little bit, he spends his time with an ex watching a tv show. Seems harmless but the fact that its an ex… they were alone for like 3 hours together watching a show. Cuddling? Pouring his heart out about the family problems? That probably didn’t happen but what if it did. I want to be the one he turns to. I want to be the one he goes over and watches tv with. I hate having such a busy schedule sometimes. I just want to be the one who’s there for you all the time not someone else.
March292012
I told you I was lonely last night because I meant it. Its been too long since the last time I’ve felt your embrace. I just want to be held and loved by you like how it used to be. I asked you if your status was about me. Because when I saw it, that’s the first thing I thought. I really hope its not about me because I’ve asked you in the past not to share any of our problems with everyone we know through the internet. I love you and I try my best to be supportive of your choices but sometimes its hard. You say never to compare but then you tell me how I should be more supportive of your choices because you support everything I do. Honestly, what I do I don’t think would make anyone wary. It wouldn’t make anyone nervous for their well being. It wouldn’t make anyone fear for my life. I worry about you constantly because I know for a fact, I love you. I don’t want to see you get hurt and ripped away from me. Im sorry if I’ve hurt you in the past by not being as supportive as I should have but im trying and its really hard. You can’t imagine how hard. You are worth it to me because I love you and I want you to be happy, even if sometimes you think im trying to take away your happiness. I love you.
March92012
I’m sorry that I’m repeating the same mistakes with you as I did with them. You deserve so much better than that. You treat me right. You make me feel happy and complete. I don’t know what it is with me that I always get into these little arguments with everyone. I don’t want to repeat my old mistakes. I thought I had learned from them and honestly if you had known me back then, I have changed a great deal, not enough though. I have more to learn. More to grow. You are worth changing for. You are worth anything I could possibly do. I love you so much and I refuse to lose you due to these stupid mistakes that I keep making.
February202012
I don’t know how to do that. I wish I did. There’s so much that has happened to you in your life that I have no idea how to change but I feel like its partially my responsibility to come up with a plan to help you. You deserve happiness more than anyone else I know. I respect you more than anyone I have ever met. You seemed to know where you were going in life, you have a great personality, you treat other people right, and you always know when to be serious and when to have a good time. These are the traits I have fallen in love with. These are the traits that have allowed me to again open my broken heart up to another human being. Being hurt is the worst feeling on earth and I do not want someone who only brings me happiness to feel hurt in the least. Nothing you have ever done has hurt me and I know you have no intentions of ever hurting me. Everything you do is out of love and good feelings for me and when I think about how hurt other people have made you feel it sickens me. Nobody should be treated as badly as people have treated you. Your own family has treated you like garbage and you are the only person I know, who regardless of how horrible other people treat them, still manage to find something good in them that lets them hold on. Now it seems like you are close to giving up, you might have already gotten that far, but I ask that you please, please do not give up. You are strong. You have a brilliant mind and a brilliant personality and although your whole life is hard you have almost gotten through the hardest part. You have grown up and nearly reached your goals and just as you are about to get there, please don’t stop reaching. You have brought me a happiness that I haven’t seen in years. I don’t know how I could be dealing with anything that I am dealing with right now if I didn’t have you. I have problems of my own but being with you helps me to get through them. I feel safe with you. I feel comforted with you. I wish I could help you feel the same. I wish I could think of some way to help you. Anything. I feel helpless in your situation but I feel like I am the only one that can actually help. I need an idea. I need a breakthrough. I need to think of something, anything to help you. You deserve to be happy. You deserve the whole world and if I could give you the whole world on a silver platter I would. I love you with all my heart and that’s what love does. Don’t give up. We can find happiness together. I’m sure of it.
